I think a big part of growing up is realizing that people change - but you can't change them. I was reading an old diary of mine from elementary school and was shocked at some things I had written. I've definitely changed and grown a LOT - God's done so much with me in just 7 years. And yet, knowing that, I still look at my family and am frustrated with them and their faults. It's pretty silly, I guess. My mom's so much more patient than me with her children, but I suppose that makes sense.
I've come to a couple decisions. One, with a certain person I will no longer even allow myself to hope they will change. They've had so long to do so, and who knows how much longer they still have, but the decision to change is theirs alone. They have all the knowledge they need, they just need to make the choice. I will no longer become disgruntled and frustrated that they aren't changing, and imagine what it would be like if they did. From now on, their appalling behavior will be just that. All I have to do is respond appropriately to it. I'm not sure how to do that yet, how to properly deal with it. I'll find out. But whatever frustrations can arise from the hope of change I want to abandon, and just accept and face it. Wouldn't that be easier? I hope so (Ha, ironic use of "hope", there). But really. I just want to focus on my behavior and words and thoughts - are feelings subject to this too? - and how they do or don't please God. Because that's enough for me to worry about, and it's really all I'm called to.
One of the most painful things is when you think you know what God's planning. You think He's going to do something, then you fill in all the other pieces, imagining how perfectly they'll fit together and how everything's just going to work out for His glory and the happiness of all involved. Then you just wait and pray for those pieces to fall into place. And they never do. And then you cry and ask God over and over why He's failed you and hasn't carried out His own plan. Meanwhile God's shaking His head because you're being silly - that was never His plan in the first place, you were just forming expectations and acting like they were fact. As the heavens are higher than the earth, so His thoughts and ways are higher than ours. So we have to take the passenger seat - or rather sit in the truck bed. How vexing! But His plan is better, anyway. It's just hard to believe that sometimes, when I know that His plan doesn't necessarily mean everyone gets saved and goes to heaven, or that families bond and are happy, or that there won't be any more troubles or hurting.
My second decision is to just try to be a friend toward another certain person, and stop worry about their character and behavior. Will my disapproval really affect them that much anyway? And yet I so cling to that imagined influence. People don't really change because of others opinions. Not in their heart anyway, or for the best. It's their decision and God's work. As I learned once and try to remind myself again and again, we're responsible for each others needs and our own character, not the other way around.
And yet I feel so very responsible for the character and behaviors of others. I feel like I'm constantly being told that I am by really hard core Christians. That I need to make a difference! Get out there and change the world! Get off my butt and do something, save someone, stop being a lazy Christian! Use every moment I have for productivity! The idea is exhausting and makes me want to cry. Because I know I'm not doing that, and I'm not sure if I can. And I'm not sure if I should. I hear from other people that I should just be naturally showing Jesus by the way I live, reaching out to people already within my circle of influence, that I'm just one person and I can't do everything. Should I be worrying that I'm not doing enough, ashamed for when I am silent and not using words to tell about Jesus, always feeling guilty for not witnessing to everyone I meet, hating myself for every moment of leisure? Because sometimes that's just how I feel. I might explode.
Well I've done a fine job of confusing myself ^__^; If anyone read this blog, this would be a nice time for them to chime in.
