You Just Can't Change People

I think a big part of growing up is realizing that people change - but you can't change them. I was reading an old diary of mine from elementary school and was shocked at some things I had written. I've definitely changed and grown a LOT - God's done so much with me in just 7 years. And yet, knowing that, I still look at my family and am frustrated with them and their faults. It's pretty silly, I guess. My mom's so much more patient than me with her children, but I suppose that makes sense.

I've come to a couple decisions. One, with a certain person I will no longer even allow myself to hope they will change. They've had so long to do so, and who knows how much longer they still have, but the decision to change is theirs alone. They have all the knowledge they need, they just need to make the choice. I will no longer become disgruntled and frustrated that they aren't changing, and imagine what it would be like if they did. From now on, their appalling behavior will be just that. All I have to do is respond appropriately to it. I'm not sure how to do that yet, how to properly deal with it. I'll find out. But whatever frustrations can arise from the hope of change I want to abandon, and just accept and face it. Wouldn't that be easier? I hope so (Ha, ironic use of "hope", there). But really. I just want to focus on my behavior and words and thoughts - are feelings subject to this too? - and how they do or don't please God. Because that's enough for me to worry about, and it's really all I'm called to.

One of the most painful things is when you think you know what God's planning. You think He's going to do something, then you fill in all the other pieces, imagining how perfectly they'll fit together and how everything's just going to work out for His glory and the happiness of all involved. Then you just wait and pray for those pieces to fall into place. And they never do. And then you cry and ask God over and over why He's failed you and hasn't carried out His own plan. Meanwhile God's shaking His head because you're being silly - that was never His plan in the first place, you were just forming expectations and acting like they were fact. As the heavens are higher than the earth, so His thoughts and ways are higher than ours. So we have to take the passenger seat - or rather sit in the truck bed. How vexing! But His plan is better, anyway. It's just hard to believe that sometimes, when I know that His plan doesn't necessarily mean everyone gets saved and goes to heaven, or that families bond and are happy, or that there won't be any more troubles or hurting.

My second decision is to just try to be a friend toward another certain person, and stop worry about their character and behavior. Will my disapproval really affect them that much anyway? And yet I so cling to that imagined influence. People don't really change because of others opinions. Not in their heart anyway, or for the best. It's their decision and God's work. As I learned once and try to remind myself again and again, we're responsible for each others needs and our own character, not the other way around.

And yet I feel so very responsible for the character and behaviors of others. I feel like I'm constantly being told that I am by really hard core Christians. That I need to make a difference! Get out there and change the world! Get off my butt and do something, save someone, stop being a lazy Christian! Use every moment I have for productivity! The idea is exhausting and makes me want to cry. Because I know I'm not doing that, and I'm not sure if I can. And I'm not sure if I should. I hear from other people that I should just be naturally showing Jesus by the way I live, reaching out to people already within my circle of influence, that I'm just one person and I can't do everything. Should I be worrying that I'm not doing enough, ashamed for when I am silent and not using words to tell about Jesus, always feeling guilty for not witnessing to everyone I meet, hating myself for every moment of leisure? Because sometimes that's just how I feel. I might explode.

Well I've done a fine job of confusing myself ^__^; If anyone read this blog, this would be a nice time for them to chime in.

Credit Cards, Jury Duty, and Goofing Off

     So I'm in a Personal Finance class right now, and we've been talking about credit quite a bit. There seemed to be a general advisement to get a credit card and build credit, to carefully practice paying things off now, so that later we could take out a loan for a car or other things. Reason after reason, comment and comment all piled up, and in my mind there was a mounting pressure to just apply and get one. So I went to the bank and, feeling very grown up, expressed my wish to apply for a credit card from Chase Bank. I knew that I was only applying, but assumed that I'd get one; I assumed it was all just a matter of making the actual effort to ask and receive.

I was wrong.

I was denied, because I have no credit history! Duh! I'm in college, and this would be my first card! I thought they'd understand that, since it's a college credit account after all! Oh well ^__^; So that burst my bubble, my bid for more financial maturity and independence. I felt rather naive when I got their letter of rejection - I mean "inability to approve my request at this time". My mom says I shouldn't worry about that right now, so I suppose I won't. But I think they were discriminating against me on the basis of race, color, religion, national origin, sex, marital status, and age.

     I've also been called in for jury duty, apparently! At least someone likes me :) I like how they put it - I've hereby been summoned by the Superior Court of the State of California for service as a trial juror. So official-sounding. Everybody seems to hate jury duty, and I can see how it could be annoying to have to put the rest of your life on hold for it. But I don't have any classes on the day I'm supposed to come in, so it should be fine. I am wondering how long I'll have to stay and what other days I'd have to come if I was actually selected for a trial, though. That could be a problem. Well, I guess I'll see!

     This afternoon I didn't feel like being productive, so I goofed off and read Fox Trot and took a nap. It was so refreshing, and after I got up I felt rejuvenated and got some good room-cleaning done, and even some homework. But I'm nervous about the day when I won't be able to goof off, when I'll have to do what I'll have to do in the time I have to do it, with no other options or buffer zone. I don't like the idea of that. I like having time to play and relax. Will I still have it in the same way when I grow up?

My Sparkling Youth

   I can vividly remember being in high school and saying "This is our sparkling youth!" I had heard over and over again that the high school years are far too fleeting and ought to be appreciated, and I took that to heart. I still don't think I really comprehended that they would end, but I did my best to enjoy and savor every moment - because really, I had one of the best high school experiences anyone could hope to have. I went to Mountain Valley Academy, a home school program that was set up pretty much like a junior college. But it was so tiny! - compared to the attendance of most high schools, anyway. Our entire senior class was in Civics and Economics together. Most everyone knew each other and was friendly and kind; sure, we had our conflicts and drama, but there was little oppression or cruelty that I could see. Speaking of drama, woo hoo! Drama was to our school like football is to most schools. We didn't have a football team anyway, so that was just as well.
   I brag and reminisce as if those days were long ago, but they were really just last year - I'm a freshman in college. But they feel like an age ago. Perhaps because I know I can't ever go back, even by returning to the school. I've visited MVA, and it's just not the same. Not all is lost; many of the key people that drew me to that place are still in my life, even going to the same college as me. And I'm thankful for that. But it's not just them, either. It's that period of my life, the best I've yet known, that I miss.
   I have mixed feelings about growing up. Sometimes I cry and mourn the days gone by, and resent that I have to participate more in this world that is big, scary, and opposed to the things of God. But I do want maturity; I want to become the person God plans for me to be, more devoted to and capable of serving Him. And I want to be someone that people can rely on, a success in the small and big things I do. I want to be a wise, responsible, pure, lovely woman of God. It's going to be a hard road though. Never pray for wisdom or patience, they say! ;P lol
   I suppose if my sparkling youth is over, my time to be cut and polished has begun.